I am currently sitting in the Travis County Attorney’s office waiting to be seen. It is the third visit this year. I am trying to get our (Sophie and Me) protective order transferred from Massachusetts to the state of Texas. It has been all hoops and hoopla and I can’t even imagine what it is like for a woman who isn’t white, privileged and with a clinical psyc masters degree-- to go through this --who is less resourced and most likely still in the state of trauma and shock of being the target of someone else’s pain-- having her child’s father turn his unconscious trauma against you and your child. There is nothing more terrorizing. Especially when your pregnant. I know, because I have been through it.

I remember when we first moved back to Texas officially in September 2016, Sophie was 6 months old. I was a sobering up to the fact that had to make the the choice to be a solo parent and all that would require of me. I came to the county court house then to get our PO transferred. I thought the worst was behind me, that I had completed all my own healing work, owned and grown the parts of me that unconsciously participated in situation. It was a big wake-up call that ultimately liberated me, my daughter and my work in the world… forever.

But that morning as my parents sat in our new home in Austin, taking care of with Sophie, so I could take care of business, I left for the court house. I backed out and hit a car parked across the street. I gasped in fear. My body started to shake with reverberations of fight or flight-- like aftershocks from all of the trauma, the memories of falling pregnant by what felt like a predator. As I sat for hours in the county office waiting to be seen by an attorney, all the e-motions all the fear and tears that I had not expressed or had repressed out of survival and necessity as a new mother, had bolted to the surface. How was I--- a trained psychotherapist, coach, teacher, master facilitator of creativity and transformation in this situation? Didn’t I KNOW better? Hadn’t I done all the work, the training and study for this sort of thing NOT to happen?

I quickly learned that I had more to learn about trauma and how it relates to karma and how it gets transferred and passed down when left unaddressed. And that trauma, can not be healed at the level of thought. We can not analyze our way out of trauma it is much deeper than this.

I had to learn to put all my training, experience, studies, apprenticing to use and master how to alchemize the trauma from all levels of my being. Down to the DNA codes that I carry. The trauma. The memories. The stories. The pain.

Energy can not be destroyed, only transformed or passed on.

It has been almost two years and through this catalyzing journey of awakening, I sit here now in the same office, with more compassion, more fierceness and a heart full of gratitude for the path that has brought me to my edges and also to my liberation, time and time again.

And our edges of course, is where true growth and innovation happens. It is where strength, grit, resilience, persistence, wisdom and real love is born. Time and time again.

This is real. Domestic Violence is real, ya’ll. And I am of the mind, from my training, experience and personal journey that it is based in trapped trauma. I have lived it. I have studied it. I have also been shown how to free it. Evolve beyond it. Transmute it. I also learned, in my own alchemy of waking up in this nightmare, that while abuse towards women is rooted in mental illness and trapped trauma---It is also deeply imbedded in our social & cultural beliefs ABOUT women ( nd women's beliefs about themselves). It is our past conditioning. Its time to tell a new story and evolve the old one.

For example, if a man consciously or unconsciously believes that women are not equal to the rights of men, he will see the mother of his and child are his property, he will seek to posses rather than protect and honor. If he was not protected as a child, and unless he has freed and evolved his own pain he will not have this to give. This is where the cycle, if not broken perpetuates.

We as a society in pain, carry this in our bones. And that also means we can change it. And we have to wake up to the truth that it has become so familiar, so normal and we become numb to its affects and we stay silent. We all carry the shame. And it perpetuates.

As I am writing, a young father just walked in to the county court office with his two young children. He seeking a PO from what I imagine is the children’s mother. I am also lovingly reminded by the Cosmos, that this is not just about abuse towards women, as women acting out of trapped trauma, can certainly be abusive too. If a woman is raised to believe that she is not worthy to the rights of men, it can also be devastating to her role as a mother. And again, the cycle perpetuates.

It is time that we as humanity wake up and take responsibility to free and evolve the trapped trauma that has been perpetuated with generations and generations of abuse. We have all been perpetrators and victims. It’s an old game. And old dance and we must liberate ourselves to create a new one.

We now have the resources, the consciousness and the tools to do this deep soul work if we are called. We are at a boiling point and facing the realities of this NOW in our world and it is time that we each do our part to break the cycle if we want to evolve as a humanity. This is not about blaming anyone else… for that keeps us in the game of shame. I have only love & compassion for Sophie’s father - the highest form of protection.

What I have learned is that it is about taking responsibility for what you can creatively control, YOU! It is about stopping the blame/shame/victim perpetrator cycle of abuse and freeing yourself, your family, your lineage and legacy --OUR WORLD from the cycle.

Making the choice to become a solo parent and protect & honor my daughter and I from what could have been a lifetime of continued abuse, manipulation and pain was one of the easiest and also hardest decisions I had to make…and live with. I made the wholehearted decision to break the cycle of abuse. I had to take fierce response-ability; I am the sole provider, protector and nurturer/care giver for my 2 year daughter, Sophie. While I am doing the work of 2 parents… and its hard as hell and messy and I fuck up sometimes and forget things and need a village of support & compassion… the JOY knowing my daughter will not grow up with abuse in her home, or be used as an object of control….instead she will have a peaceful, loving, creative environment with a strong community and a mother who chose her empowerment over staying silent and suffering, who stood up for her worthiness and protection even though it wasn’t always pretty or popular, who made hard choices, unapologetically and who loves her very very much, because you know…we are all connected. And we are ALL worth it.

We have a lot of work to do lovely people. And here is what I stand for..

Creative Alchemy:

1) Feel it. (Feel your feelings, let them flow)

2) Express & Free it. (expressing your e-motion in healthy ways sets you free)

3) Transform it. Evolve it and Create anew (Bring in Source and a Higher Vision to create a higher reality)with inspired action

Part of my journey has been learning how to master the art of transforming crisis and how to turn 'shit into sunshine'—you know when all hell breaks loose and you realize you are in the twilight-zone. WTF! HOW DID I GET HERE?! If you can relate, or are perhaps there now, trust that you are not alone. You are not bad, wrong, or broken. You are being given an opportunity to rise into your full potential and wholeness, to claim your true sovereignty and sep into your greatness!! To find your inner fire and use it. To love madly, to be stretched beyond measure so you can open up to even more joy, love and liberation and set yourself and the world free.

There is another way. And it has to be your choice to create change. To be the conduit of a higher love.

To sit here and tell you that my life is all perfect and enlightened and I have totally reached 5-D consciousness, and it’s all unicorns and rainbows, ya’ll! -- would be a lie. I still reach my edges and sometimes get pissed off, drink tequila and want to quit everything and run off to Paris. Because you know, I am beautifully, humanly human.

What I can tell you is THIS--- I would not trade my experience for anything. It has shaped me into the woman I am today. I have an amazing daughter that lights up my life and pretty much wherever she goes. I have the honor to do the passionate, soulful, purposeful, creative work that changes lives and lives and the lives of those lives. And I feel more love, more joy, more connection, more freedom, more compassion and more fire...than I have ever known.

If you are feeling blocked in some area of your life and feeling like all the therapy, booze or shopping, spiritual bypassing and positive thinking isn’t working to shift things for you. Message me. I would love to share with you, what has worked for me and many of my clients to finally themselves and claim the life of their authentic dreams.

If this is speaking to you and you would like to learn how to free yourself, your family line and claim your power & voice from inner generational trauma/karma, click here and let's talk. I have created something just for you. And please share with the women in your life who can benefit. Who are ready and committed for this is not a quick fix, this is committing to a life of revolutionary change and evolutionary growth. You are done with things as they are and you are ready to create a new way, be a conduit for a more loving, more compassionate more empowered way.

THE WORTHY WOMAN: a 4 week journey for clearing alchemizing karma/trauma/drama on the family AND feminine line. Break-free from energetic patterns and beliefs that are no longer serving you. Be the change. Break the cycle. Next group starts May 10th. Schedule a call for details.

*(Also available in private intensives).

**Photo by Danica Suskin